I am 28 years old.
It took me 28 years to figure something out. Something rather simple.
That simple thing is this: to have a conversation with someone, I just have to open my mouth and say whatever I’m thinking.
Sounds ludicrous that it took me so long to figure out that, doesn’t it? And yet it’s true.
That truth hit me like a spiritual revelation this summer. I was walking on my lunchbreak, with a coworker, to the corner pizza shop, and noticed myself thinking about the appearance of the fountain on the square. And without thinking about it, I opened my mouth and said what I was contemplating.
And my coworker responded with a comment.
And we had a conversation.
And that was it.
Alright, maybe someone out there is laughing. Go ahead, because yeah, it’s rather absurd that this was a revelation.
But it’s true–for the previous 28 years, I had thought that the way to have a conversation with a casual acquaintance was to think up something to say. It was very freeing to realize I didn’t have to put all that work into chatty conversations, after all.
Why did it take 28 years to discover this? Probably many reasons, but I think there are two main ones:
(1) I’m introverted. Talking–especially polite, casual conversation–has never come easily to me.
(2) For 28 years, most of what I was thinking was socially unacceptable to talk about. Really, you can’t say to a brand-new coworker, your best friend’s new boyfriend, a dinner party acquaintance, or another daycare mom, “Do you ever think about death? What do you think, did Camus really allow himself to die out of suicidal tendencies, or was it all truly an accident?” Nor could I say (as were often my thoughts in casual social situations), “Um, are you judging me right now? Do I look okay? Is my hair funny? Are you staring at me?”
So, yeah, in a sense I actually did need to think up topics for conversation for those 28 years. In a sense I really couldn’t let any current thoughts spew out of my mouth–not without freaking out my conversation partner, anyway.
But now? Now that death and suicide and depression and negativity and social anxiety and low self-esteem don’t occupy 75% of my thoughts? Now it’s quite possible for me to just open my mouth and talk–without thinking much about it–to practically anyone.
It’s freeing.
What’s the point in writing this? I don’t know. I guess I figure that, if casual conversation was something I struggled with for years… if it was a revelation to me that you don’t always have to think up conversation topics… then maybe someone else has struggled with this, too. Maybe someone else needs to know that it’s okay to just talk about what’s on your mind.
Maybe this will come as a revelation to some other introvert.
Filed under: mental health, recovery | Tagged: introverts, social anxiety, socialization
For 28 years, most of what I was thinking was socially unacceptable to talk about….
….But now? Now that death and suicide and depression and negativity and social anxiety and low self-esteem don’t occupy 75% of my thoughts? Now it’s quite possible for me to just open my mouth and talk–without thinking much about it–to practically anyone.
I get it!! Great post.
I also learned that sometimes when I was (or am) thinking about stuff I would rather not talk about, talking about the other person helps. It takes the focus off you and people usually like to talk about themselves. So in that case the way to start a conversation is to ask a question of the person you are with—of course that involves thinking and sometimes fails if I’m too self involved.